


On the House

by Talax



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, M/M, One Shot, Oo-mox
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8032954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talax/pseuds/Talax
Summary: An ion storm leaves Quark's bar deserted, but Quark refuses to evacuate. DS9's chief medical officer takes Quark's safety into his own hands.





	On the House

Ok so setting the scene here… it was a dark and stormy night…. A space storm… an ion storm you know? Althought i think that all storms have something to do with ions. I never understood star trek fake sciencel. I digress. There are some ion storm related things happening on the station. Lights flikcers. Loud noisers. Quarks bar is fucking deserted because this ion storm is so fucking bad rthat all the civillians left the whole darn station.   
Bashir has a worry because he heard that quark didn’t leave the station.   
Ok just pause for a second and think about how much more sense this would make if it was garak. Wer’e suspending our disbelieve here to believe that wuark wants to check on the fucking troll in the dngeon. Ok here he go.  
Bashir goes down to quarks bar and is like “what the fuck i thought you were suppose to evaporate???”  
Baurk is like “um… i don’t want to lose out on any customers you know?  
And bashir is like “What customers everyone else is gone you ass”  
And uark is like really smooth “”but you ‘re here and you’re buying a drink”  
“Um exucuse you i am not buying a drink i am here to evacuate you” but before he knew it quark had but a full glass or something very spacey in front of him. Bashir, being a big fan of things that look absurd and space related was like, well shit, i got to drink they shitty ferengi drink. So he takes a sip and then he looks like a fucking twink   
Quark takes the drink from bashirs twinky hands and take s a sip. Bashir looks very offended but quark is like. “Firs t drink is on the house, so i get to ahsare.” because i a m gay, he didn’t say.  
JUST THEN ALL OF THE A SUDDEN…. THE ION STORM.. LIGHTNING(?) MAKES THE SHITATION DO LITTLE STUMBLE… BASHIR FALLS OVER THE ABR AND IS THE HECK ON TOP OF QUARK. THE LITTLE TROLL MAN MAKES THE LITTLE WIMPER THAT HE DOES SOMETIMTES i absolutely hate that.  
Quark does a little blush that is like, a full head blush, ears included. I hate that i am talking about quarks fucking ears . i am not drunk enogh for that. Ok now i am  
“Oopd sorry wuark i didn not mean to fall over your entire bar and then alos onto you. I didd not intend for that to be an occurance which has happened. Oops i appear to be still on top of you even thgouth you are a tiny torll man who everyone hates”   
Pa4k34 is talking about twink quark andi am so offended? How can these two twinks bone? Look, i’m goning to write it im going to…. Make it happenign  
Oh god ok here we go i need one more shot and then i’m gling to write the nsf w  
Bashir is Still ontop of quark after litterely all these words. How do you speell the duck noise that bashir pronounces quarks names like? Quack? “Quack” bashir says, in a way that is way to sexy to be refereing to a ferengi and a particularrly capitilist ferengi at that, “you seem ot be blsuhing all the way to your earS? I am a doctor and i should probably give you an inspections. A isnpecitons with my LIPS!!” wow  
Bashir leands all the way down and gives quark a big smooch, a big sloopyy smooch that makes him fall the rest of the way down over the bar . the ion storm makes some really good mood lighting in the bar.   
Quark is like !!!! but I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM I’MLL BE RIGHT BAKC  
OK i am bac any way quark is ike !!!!! i cant believe the station twink is frinnally kissing me. I would rather be kissing ODDO but i will settle for the twink who would also rather be kissing the hot lizzard man.  
Wow the room is doing a spin.   
Wuark kisses back and uses his SHARP LITTLE GOBLEIN DEVIL TEETH TO BIT JULIANS LIP, BASHIR SI ALARMED BUT LUCKILGY HE IS A DOCTOR AND WOULD BE ABLE TO FIX THAT RIGH TBUP IF HE NEED TOO!!  
I WUARK IS THE XSEYXY!!!I SAID IT!!! WUARK IS ALWAYS WEARING THE SEXY BATHING SUIT WITH THE CUT OUT S UNDDERNEEATH HIS CLOTHES ALWAYS SEXY..1.1  
WOW I AM SO GONE  
I READ A FIC WHERE QUARK GOT AN OOMAXKZ FROM BASHIR WHEN BASHIR JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A ROUTINE EAR EXAM!!! I DIED A LOT !!! ANYWAY, I’M ASSUMING THAT THIS HAPPENED IN THE CONINTUINITY OF THIS FIC  
BASHIR IS LIEKE” ohh quack i know how u feel when igive you the ear exam, i’m gonna, do that again ,but like, this time, for realsyeys  
“   
Qayrk is like oh fuck here comes this twinky human gonna give me the old oomaxc treatment ah yeah but than bashir, for some reaosn, puts his dang tougnure right on the arer. RIGHT ON THE EAR. I odnt personally know what ferengir earwax tastes like, but its probably worse than huma,s on account of ferengi just in genreral being worse tahn yhumanos  
BUT CONSIEDER trhat feregni migh t have ear waz that tastes like……. Cum…. or at least like vaginal extract. I ‘m so so sry for that but like its a erroganous zone im not discontinting the facts even if they are discugsint.g   
I AM HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH WSPEELING BUT I GOT THIS…. FO R QUASHIR…

BASHIR FOR SOME REASON WILL LICKING THE EAR IS LIKE “AH HECK QUACK…. I LVOE THE AY YOU CAN./.. JUST HEAR STUFF WITH THESE EARS… PRETTY GOCOOL!!!”  
OH MY GOD I’M SO GONE  
2uq4k does the ar fucking wuark moan again Ithe one that i hate and dont like at all in anyway but bashir likes it so i’m iclusing it) and bashir is like “ah fuck quarhk you are so sexy wehn you do businesns sutff ath the risk of your own safetey and often at the rsik of the whole fucking station. I defigintly like that aboout you and and dont detest it at all.. I cant wait to have sex with your mysterious fereng bod”  
I just fell out of my ahciar but it s fun! Ko  
WquARK dab  
Quark dab  
Quark dab  
Quarch edab  
Quachk edabd  
Qauck dabd  
Wuark dab!!!! Adaaabbbbbb wauqhk do a dab. Bashir does a dab too for good measure. Making a cake in dab twon. Dab so sweet the cake just appeas in the oven  
Quark likes feet   
Quark asked jul  
ain. To give the OOOOO makes with HOS……….. FEETS!!!!!  
Both greets the eras! Feetsvyoe the ears

**Author's Note:**

> A very serious fic that I wrote very seriously last Friday when I was nearly blackout drunk.


End file.
